Joker: Earth Negative
by The Clown King Of Chaos
Summary: In one of the many dimensions of the DCU, Batman and all his partners are now supervillains, and all his foes are now on the side of the law. And Joker and Riddler are the ones to take him down before he enslaves all of mankind.
1. Old Friends

"You don't expect me to just let you waltz out of here with things that don't belong to you, do you Bats?" The Joker said as he delivered another kick to his foe. His rib cage was on fire, and blood was dripping out of his mouth, but Batman wasn't in any better shape.

"No, I expect you to get beaten to a bloody pulp and me to walk out of here." Batman replied back as he punched Joker with full force onto his shoulder. He didn't resist the movement, he allowed his body to thrust backwards so his bones didn't dislocate or shatter. "But right now, I've got things to get done." He threw a batarang right at the clown, which embedded itself into his forearm.

"GAH! You stupid flying rodent!" He tried to pull it out of his body.

"See you 'round, clown." Batman taunted as he leaped out of the window. Joker ran over, and saw the Bat gliding away with his blasted cape.

"I gotta get one of those." Joker mumbled to himself as he exited the building. Gordon and the rest of the cops were waiting for him. "I hate that guy." I mumbled to Gordon as he showed the doctors his arm. They immediately set to removing it.

"What was he after this time?" Gordon asked him as he walked over.

"No idea. OW!" The batarang was no longer in him. "I'm not a tech buff, Gordon. But I guess it was the same as last time. If you want real help with this, I can go talk to Nigma."

"Good idea." Gordon agreed with him entirely. "Anyone who can help with this is highly appreciated."

"Alrighty then. I'll go talk to him in bit, Gordy." He began to walk off.

"Where are you going?" Gordon called after him.

"I just had a metal bat pulled outta my arm. I need a drink."

XXXX

He was sitting at his private table in the Ice Burg Lounge. It was a present for him after he saved the building from blowing up. Harley was rewrapping his arm while he was downing a scotch on the rocks.

"Puddin', why do you have to always be the one to try and take down B-Man first?" She was being cautious to not loosen his stitches.

"Because he and I are the same coin. Comedy and tragedy. It's my right to get him." He took another sip of his drink. He felt the cool liquid go down his throat, but didn't feel the alcohol affect him in any way. Years of abusing his gasses and poisons had made him immune to most things, booze included. Harley didn't question him. His will and stubbornness was stronger than reinforced steel.

"Had a run in with our old friend, Mr. Joker?" Joker turned around to see Mr. Cobblepot, the owner of the lounge.

"You know it, Penguin." He took another sip of his scotch.

"You know, you don't have to be the only one to go after him constantly. Our friend Hush is back in town and I'm sure he would be more than willing to give you a helping hand, good chap."

"Anyone who wants to help is more than welcome. They just don't get there quickly enough to join me. Besides, you all have plans of battle and routines. Me. I'm unpredictable. He can't read me."

"You got that right, Puddin'" Harley chimed in, putting the finishing touches on his arm.

"Thanks for the advice, bird-brain," Joker playfully said to Penguin. He handed him a small roll of cash. "And thanks for the drink. Come on, Harley. Let's go see our old friend Riddler."

XXXX

"Hhmm." Riddler's hands were grasped together, thinking hard, trying to piece together the puzzle Joker had given him. They were sitting in the living room of his house. "So you say that he didn't crash any of the systems or destroyed anything in the buildings?"

"Nope." Joker shook his head. "All he did was hacking a few computers or something. I don't know, I'm a chemistry buff."

"Any idea what he stole?"

"Not a clue."

"Well," Riddler leaned back into his chair. "That is a missing piece we MUST find. If we can find out what he took, we can deduce what he's after."


	2. A Bat in Luthor's Belfry

Author's Note: To help you with the vision of the story, picture Riddler as he is in _Arkham City._ And Joker… let's say Heath Ledger with a bad case of Perma-Clown.

XXXX

Joker took it upon himself to talk to the head of each of the places Batman had infiltrated so far. Each of them had the same result.

"Are you telling me that you have no idea what he did, what he looked at, or what he took?" He was currently at the third stop of the day.

"No, Joker. None at all. It's as if he was never even here. He must have made sure that he wouldn't leave a trail."

"Great just great." He stomped over to the window. He pulled out his phone and speed dialed. "Nothing. Not even a mocking note or a calling card."

"Well, this is a dilemma." Riddler said to him. "If we can't track him or his searches, we'll probably never find out what he's planning."

"What if you put a special firewall into the systems of his next target?"

"Well, that is a very brilliant idea. But if I'm going to do that, I need to make the program completely Bat-proof, and that would take-"

"Time that we don't have." Joker finished for him.

"Precisely. Plus, we don't even know what his next target is."

"I know that." Joker looked over at the city line, and then he saw something very important to Gotham. And then it hit him. "But I think I know a potential one."

XXXX

"You think that irritating reprobate is going to try to rob my company's wing in Gotham?" Lex Luthor asked Riddler over their video phones.

"Yes we do. Your building is the only one that contains powerful data in Gotham that the Batman hasn't infiltrated yet. I would bet half my I.Q. points that he'll break into it within the week."

"Even if your assumption is correct, he would never be able to get inside the building, or the computer systems." There was not trace of doubt in Lex's voice.

"Are you sure about that?" Riddler asked in the most serious of tones. He didn't hear anything but silence for a moment.

"What do you need to keep him out?"

"Sudden change of heart, Lex?" Riddler asked in a humorous pitch.

"We cannot afford to let that madman get his filthy hands on LexCorp data. Whatever you need, I shall provide."

"Actually, I wouldn't call him a madman. Just incredibly stubborn."

"Are you trying to get on my nerves?" Lex asked with a hint of annoyance.

"Yes." Riddler replied singsongy. He dropped it for a more serious tone. "Anyway, we need you to let your entire security off for the night. Trust me, we can handle it. Nothing will happen. We need to be alone because we don't want any of your people to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and meet the Bat. And we need to catch him in the act for this to work…"

XXXX

Batman was silently walking down the halls of the LexCorp Tower. He disabled the alarm and camera system effortlessly. LexCorp probably shouldn't have bought their security systems from WayneTech.

Eventually, he made his way into the computer room. Noiselessly opening the door, he saw an old janitor sleeping in a chair next to the side wall. Batman silently crept past him, and inserted his data retrieving device into the hard drive port. His device began downloading the data he was after. After about two minutes, with the task half way done, something definitely out of the ordinary happened.

"Hey diddle-diddle!" Batman jumped back as a computerized Riddler appeared on the humongous screen. "Well lookie here. A Batman in Luthor's belfry!"

"Riddler." Batman said in his raspy voice.

"Who else, Batman? I knew you would aim to rob whatever the Hell it is you're after from our friend Luthor, so we volunteered to have a little stakeout."

"If this is a stakeout, then where are you?" Batman felt one of Riddler's old traps were about to spring onto him.

"Well, Nigma ain't here," Batman heard a gruff voice behind him. He turned to see the old janitor standing. "But I am standing right in front of you, flesh and all." He removed his hat and beard, and Batman saw a face he was all too familiar with.

"Joker." Batman's eyes narrowed, preparing his attack. "Are you and Riddler so desperate, you decided to team up?"

"Actually," The computer Riddler responded, "It's called a friendship. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"Of course not, Brain-Drainer." Joker laughed. Riddler soon joined in.

"Laugh at this clown." Batman punched Joker as hard as he could in his kidney.

"Oof." That was all Joker could say before he doubled over and fell to the floor.

"You know, Batman, people generally don't like it when you hurt the ones they like. So now, I think I'll infect your little toy with a not-so-little virus. Unless, of course…"

"I correctly answer one of your riddles." Batman stated. This was routine to him now.

On the screen Riddler said nothing. He only smiled as he faded away, and words appeared on the screen.

'What has four wheels, costs $11,000,000, and flies?'

"I guess you've lost your edge, Nigma." Batman said with boredom as he typed in his answer.

'A solid gold garbage truck.'

Suddenly, Riddler's voice emitted from every direction. "What makes you think I've lost my touch? Maybe I just needed to keep you busy…"

"Yeah," The Joker spat out. "So you wouldn't notice this." Batman turned around and saw that Joker was holding a detonator. He pressed the button. The room was soon filling with Laughing Gas. Batman quickly yanked his device out of the computer and instinctively put on a gas mask.

"I hate you when you have toys." The Joker growled. As he left the room, Batman stopped at the Joker's side, and kicked him in his ribcage. "Okay, now you're just being rude." The clown moaned in agony as Batman began to stride off.

XXXX

The next day, the two of them were talking with Lex on a huge video screen.

"You two really pulled through." Lex gave them his sincere gratitude.

"Did you ever doubt us?" Joker asked.

"You don't want me to answer that."

"To the point," Riddler chimed in, wanting to avoid an argument he was sure would happen. "From what I gathered last night, our rodent friend was trying to steal a series of jamming signals."

"Communications?" Luthor and Joker chorused.

"More like computerized weaponry." Riddler began to think hard about what this could lead to. Joker stood up and made his way for the door.

"Where are you going, clown?" Luthor asked as he watched Joker leave.

"I'm gonna go chase and get some tail." He laughed all the way to the exit.

XXXX

Catwoman leaped from roof to roof. She was wearing golden rings and necklaces. Needless to say, they weren't hers legally. She eventually came to a stop, staring at her new cache.

"Brighter than the summer sun." She said to herself with a grin that could rival Joker's.

"And almost as bright as that winning smile." She heard the disembodied voice of the clown in all directions. Suddenly, a green mist formed a circle around her. If she walked about twenty feet in any direction, she would die laughing.

"What do you want, clown?" She called out, turning her head, searching for him.

"Twinkle twinkle little cat," He responded. She suddenly saw his outline in the green smoke. He slowly got closer to her. "Let's talk about our friend the Bat!" He pulled out his trusty revolver.


	3. The Clown Briefly Chases The Cat

"You are wasting your time, you psychotic comedian." Catwoman shouted, staring down the barrel of Joker's revolver. "I don't know anything about your friend."

"Oh Cat," Joker shook his head with an amused sigh, "You may be a sneaky, cheater, but I must say, you _suck_ at lying." He cackled out loud. "Anyway, what is your little rodent friend planning?"

Rather than answer, Catwoman looked around to the sides, and saw that the circle of green gas was dispersing. She looked back over to his waiting grin. "If you want to know so badly, Joker, why don't you just ask a little nicer?" She leaped over to him and clawed his face. As he screamed out in pain, Catwoman ran for the roof's edge and leaped across the gap to the next. Joker kept a palm to his cheek, looking after her.

"Well, it's a good thing I brought _this_." He smiled with glee as he pulled out his special pogo-stick. Mounting it, he launched himself like a rocket. It didn't take long for him to catch up. "You don't think I give up just like that do you?" She turned to face him in shock. Neither of them lost any momentum.

"You are both persistent and annoying." She growled over to him. He merely smiled back.

"True. I'm also a sure shot!" Joker pulled another revolver. When she saw it, Catwoman's eyes doubled in size and she pushed herself to her limit to lose him. Grinning as she pulled ahead, Joker kept one hand on his pogo, and raised the other one holding the revolver and aimed it as best as he could while still leaping up and down on it. "Say Cheese!" He fired off a round. It missed her by a mile.

"Maybe you should go home and practice, Joker!" Catwoman called back, taunting him.

"Reh, I'll practice on your limbs." He grumbled to himself. As they continued across the roofs, he fired of all his rounds, and all of them missed by long shots. "Useless." He growled, looking at his empty gun. In a fit of anger, he randomly threw it. By some immeasurable luck, it hit Catwoman square in the back. (Haters gonna hate.)

"What the?" Joker stared in amazement as he watched the Cat lose her concentration, and roll to a stop. He was so absorbed in it, he also lost his balance on the stick, and fell off, skidding on his face across the roof, until finally stopping, and feeling the pogo land on his back. He slowly picked himself up. His face was on fire, and his back was sore for an obvious reason. "This is why I hate cats," he grumbled to himself as he hoisted himself to a standing position. He walked over to Catwoman, who was lying down on her back, showing grimace. The gun must have hit her in just the right spot. Joker put his shoe onto her stomach and gently pressed down. "So, you feel like talkin' now?"

After a few seconds of silence, Catwoman looked up to him with a mischievous grin of her own. "If you want to know what he's up to so badly, why don't you ask him yourself?"

Joker lost his smile and raised an eyebrow. One second later, a batarang was embedded in the same arm as before, in the exact same spot. "Oh come on! There's my whole body to mess with and you pick the same spot twice?" He then felt something similar to a jackhammer collide with his ribcage.


	4. Reunions

Joker was lying down in a semi-fetal position. His arms were wrapped around his ribcage which felt like it was on fire. One of his hands was gripping the metal shard shaped like a bat that was buried deep in his arm. The wind had literally been knocked out of him, so he only moaned. Suddenly, he felt someone grasp him by the shoulders and lift him up. He then found himself breathing the same air with his arch nemesis.

"What's new clown?" The Batman asked through a gritted smile.

Well, Harley's been looking at new drapes and Eddie's hankering for an aquarium."

When the Joker had finished with his babbling, he found himself being hit in the head with another head. He felt a warm liquid drip down his face. "Now you're just being a sore." He gave the world a toothy smile. He then got nailed in the head again.

"And you are starting to get extremely boring and irritating." The Batman had nothing but seriousness in his voice.

"Then why don't we let loose?" Joker silently raised a hand to his flower. "How about an acid trip?" He squeezed the flower, spraying Batman's chest and arm with hydrofluoric acid. Batman screamed in agony and dropped the Joker, who landed with a thud on his back. Suddenly, Catwoman was kneeling over him.

"Nobody hurts that man but me!" She had a voice that was ready to commit murder. Before she could slice Joker to ribbons, something forced her off of him.

"And nobody harms _my_ man AT ALL!" Harley stepped into his line of vision. Joker deduced that Harley had slammed her hammer into Catwoman. Harley kneeled down next to him. "You okay, Puddin'?"

"I'm fine as wine, Harl." He forced a smile onto his face despite the engulfing pain his entire upper body save his head. She smiled back and handed him a long crowbar. "Oh Harley, you know me too well." He grabbed the iron stick and walked over to Batman, who had since gotten most of the acid of, though some of his suit was gone, and his flesh was burnt. Before he could react, he found himself being the one attacked this time as a great force hit him square in the back of the head.

"So this guy walks into a bar… or more appropriately, a bar walks into him!" The Joker howled with laughter, and Harley joined in as he lifted the crowbar over his head, preparing for a second whack. Before he could bring it down, someone kicked him in the head. He went flying for about six feet, and shook the dizziness out of his head to see a familiar, but unfriendly face.

"Well," Joker began as he spit out a mouth of blood, "If it ain't our old friend Moonfeather. It must be a Bat-family reunion!" He said teasingly.

"It's Nightwing, you pathetic excuse for a clown." He kicked him right in the sore ribcage which was by now surely at least cracked, maybe even broken in several places. As Joker writhed in agony, Nightwing turned his attention to his former mentor. "You alright Bats?"

"I'm fine," he breathed out," let's get out of here before he goes on a suicide run." He pushed a button on his utility belt and within seconds a small futuristic plane was floating next to his side of the roof. He struggled to board it, and Nightwing got in right after him. They zoomed off, leaving Joker lying down in a blazing pain, hardly able to breathe with Harley kneeling next to him, doing what she could to help him.

"Sorry Puddin'." She was trying to massage his ignited abdomen.

"It's fine Harley. I take it the Cat's gone too?" She looked over for a second, and then nodded to him. He let out a long groan.

"I wouldn't-ah let the Bird-Brain get near you, but he kicked my head and put the lights out."

"Well it's a good thing it's so thick." A voice came from in front of them. They looked over to see a familiar, and this time friendly, zombie-like face. "So why don't I offer my skills and assistance to you, since you seem to be failing on your own?"

Joker let out a painful cackle that set his stomach on fire. "Sure, why not? I'm always welcoming the help of my friend and colleague. This a very joyous reunion, Dollmaker."


End file.
